I'm Never Sure What the Universe is Telling Me

Through my latest spat of joblessness and, thus, self-depravity, I went to the omniscient universe to find a sign. Through my harsh discouragement, I needed a sign that my life isn't a complete waste of energy, skin, and sarcastic personality.

I usually go with an online Magic 8 Ball to tell me a flat yes, no, or "reply hazy" (which means no, but your future is bleaker than a Mattel toy cares to tell you). Sometimes I play the "radio game" to let the music gods tell me my future. However today, I went with news headlines. I sought out to self-interpret someone's fact-packed, creative 8 word quip.

First, I chose the Yahoo headlines. The first one to come up...

JENNIFER ANISTON'S HUGE ENGAGEMENT RING

Score!! The future predicts I will be rich and beautiful with a handsome (potentially fiscally responsible) man, and PRETTY JEWELRY*!!! Woohoo. I could breathe a sigh of relief. THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR ME YET!

But, I have a level head on my shoulders. I can't predict my future off of one little news headline.

So, NATURALLY, I went to AOL. Where it proceeded to say...

ROMNEY: 'HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY'

I can't really put my finger on where my life is headed...


*I don't actually care about jewelry so much as shiny objects in general.