- One Word to Describe Myself?
- Answer Given to Employers:The best word to describe myself is "Genuine." I believe in honesty above all things and taking a valued interest in the people and experiences brought into my life.
- How I Wish I Could Answer This Question: Absolutely-freaking-awesome-and-better-than-everyone-else-and-it-doesnt-matter-that-I-probably-have-little-to-no-experience-to-be-eligible-for-this-job-just-hire-me-anyway-and-i-promise-I-will-somehow-still-impress-everyone-so-can-i-have-the-job-now-please-and-thanks.
- Hyphens count, right?
- Three accomplishments that make us ask ourselves why you're not already working here?
- One Example Answer Given to Employer: During my internship with Live Nation Entertainment in 2010, I was put to the challenge of selling two VIP tickets to existing ticket holders at two-for-one face value price and I succeeded. Should you be interested in an in-person interview, I would love to tell you the whole story.
- The Three Answers I Wish I Could Give:
- I can bullshit my way through a lot of things like giving you three lack-luster accomplishments
- I am so fluent in sarcasm, I truly don't even know when I'm using it half the time. You get that as a bonus upon my employment.
- Most people find me hilarious. They even laugh at the things I say when I'm not even trying to be funny.
- If I just uploaded my resume, why are you making me fill out all the same information in these text boxes? Which one do you actually read? Which one did I just waste my time on? It was the text boxes, wasn't it?
- Will you be more or less inclined to call me for an interview if I fill out the "voluntary" self-identification form as a "gender neutral, Hispanic, disabled, veteran" or should I just stick to White Female?
- Did you really just ask me to fill in my pager number? When was the last time you updated your employment site? And a work number? Really? The unemployed find that offensive!
- Have people actually been making careers in social media marketing long enough to have 5-8 years of experience? I wonder how many Craigslist hookers apply and try and use that as an example of internet marketing.
- JUST BECAUSE THE JOB TITLE COMES UP IN CAPS LOCK WITH BOLD WORDS AND LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS ACTUALLY MAKES ME WANT TO OPEN YOUR LINK LESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Especially when the title says 'TRAINING PROVIDED! $100K A YEAR!" I am not a chump.
- I will however open your ad. Not because I'm interested in applying, but to make you pay for my click(s).
- Why am I reading a job posting with typos? Why does the person who posted this have a job and I don't?
- Is there a way for these employers to tell that I DIDN'T click and read their "terms and conditions" before hitting SUBMIT APPLICATION. Am I the only one who's paranoid about this?
- My Hobbies you ask?
- My Poindexter Answer Given to Employers:
- I enjoy spending my free-time with friends and family enjoying new experiences. I have also become a big fan of Zumba.
- The Hobbies I'm Only Slightly Ashamed to Have (But Hey - At least I'm Not On Drugs):
- I watch a lot of reality TV. The more attitude and/or children you have, the more inclined I am to watch you.
- I love hanging out on the weekends with my dear friend, Jose Cuervo.
- I quote movies as they apply to everyday life. I can have whole conversations with people by using sayings from Mean Girls, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Miss Congeniality just to name a few.
- The first thing I type in on Google News is "Kardashian."
- I look at IMDB.com to guess 1) if a really old actor is already dead and/or 2) how many times an actor/actress has been married.
- I look up old child stars on Twitter to see if they think they're cool enough that they needed to get "verified." Regardless of if they are or not, I click through all of their pictures.
- I have a cruel but overly entertaining game where I find the most repulsive man I've ever seen and yell out "Check Out My Boyfriend!" to my friends and family (note: this game is best if played in a WalMart and all parties are winners and losers simultaneously).
- Who am I really kidding with this job search? What are the best keywords to search for a "sugar daddy" without it looking suspicious or slutty on my internet history?
On that note, if anyone with hiring power at their company is reading this, please know I'm not a total failure at life, that I am looking for an Entry-Level position in marketing and I am sure to dazzle you if and when we speak.
Cover Letter, Resume, and references available upon request.
